


An Etymology

by bitty_bel



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: 1970s, Abuse, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Harry Potter Setting, Animal Abuse, Animal Death, Asexual Peter Pettigrew, Bisexual Remus Lupin, Bisexuality, Black James Potter, Child Abuse, Childhood Sexual Abuse, Childhood Trauma, Crossdressing, Cruciatus, Depressing, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Relationships, Eventual Romance, Eventual Sirius Black/Remus Lupin, Eventual Smut, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Gay Male Character, Gay Sex, Gay Sirius Black, Genderqueer Character, Good Narcissa Black Malfoy, Healing, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Marauders, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Marauders Friendship (Harry Potter), Mating Bond, Mental Health Issues, Muggle/Wizard Relations, Muggles, Nonbinary Character, POV Queer Character, POV Remus Lupin, Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Peter is a Little Shit, Physical Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Trauma, Pureblood Society (Harry Potter), Purebloods (Harry Potter), Queer Character, Raising Harry Potter, Remus Lupin & Lily Evans Potter Friendship, Remus Lupin Lives, Sad, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Sexual Abuse, Sirius Black & James Potter Friendship, Sirius Black & Remus Lupin Live, Sirius Black Lives, Sirius Black and Remus Lupin Raise Harry Potter, The Noble and Most Ancient House of Black, Transphobia, Trauma, Weddings, Werewolf Bites, Werewolf Remus Lupin, Young Remus Lupin, Young Sirius Black, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-01
Updated: 2019-12-25
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:27:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,980
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21634387
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bitty_bel/pseuds/bitty_bel
Summary: On March 10th 1966 Remus Lupin is bitten by Fenrir Greyback.On September 1st 1971 Remus Lupin and Sirius Black meet each other on the Hogwarts Express.They slowly fall in love.On October 31st 1981 James and Lily Potter are killed by Lord Voldemort leaving their child, Harry Potter, in the care of their best friends Remus and Sirius.Sirius and Remus raise Harry.Lots of Wolfstar, trigger warnings at the beginning of each chapter, this is my first fanfic so I'm sorry if it sucks. Title could be changed
Relationships: Alphard Black/Original Male Character(s), Andromeda Black Tonks/Ted Tonks, Arcturus Black III/Melania Macmillan Black, Bellatrix Black Lestrange & Narcissa Black Malfoy & Andromeda Black Tonks, Bellatrix Black Lestrange/Rodolphus Lestrange, Cygnus Black/Druella Rosier Black, Hope Lupin/Lyall Lupin, Ignatius Prewett/Lucretia Black Prewett, Irma Crabbe Black/Pollux Black, James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Lucius Malfoy/Narcissa Black Malfoy, Orion Black/Walburga Black, Regulus Black & Sirius Black, Regulus Black & Sirius Black & Narcissa Black Malfoy, Remus Lupin & Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black & James Potter, Sirius Black & Remus Lupin, Sirius Black & Remus Lupin & Harry Potter, Sirius Black & Remus Lupin & Peter Pettigrew & James Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 12
Kudos: 42





	1. Prologue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning  
> Brief mentions of child abuse, physical abuse, and animal abuse.

Lyall and Hope Lupin were anything but ordinary. They’d grown up together in Wales, both enjoying taking long walks across the moor. They both lived in small cottages near each other and as children they played together nearly every day. Lyall would often take refuge at Hope’s house when his father had too much to drink or his mother felt particularly vicious.

The long days on the moor ended after Lyall’s eleventh birthday. Lyall began going to a boarding school for nine months of the year. Leaving Hope behind. When he returned home during breaks, he would tell Hope fantastic tales of impossible things.

They first kissed at sixteen and were engaged by nineteen. Hope missed Lyall dearly for the nine months he was away. Writing him nearly every day so when he returned in June, he always had a box of letters waiting for him. When Lyall graduated school, he took a job in London. Once he had enough money to purchase a small cottage on the moor with a sizable fireplace, he asked Hope to marry him. She happily agreed, on one condition, that he never leave her for the strange magic he often spoke of. He promised to put her first and they happily married in the Spring. There was only one photo from that day. In it a young smiling Hope had baby’s breath woven into her long wavy hair. She wore a simple green dress. Lyall dressed in a simple button up stood next to her, their hand clasped together. You could that they were resisting the urge to look at one another, both heads turned slightly, bodies angled together. The best part of the photo was later said to be how happy the couple looked. It would be the last time they would ever be that joyous.

Lyall loved Hope and quickly found relief and safety in their marriage. After growing up in a violent and unstable household living with Hope felt like a dream. Hope loved Lyall dearly, otherwise she wouldn’t have put up with any of the strange nonsense that seemed to surround him. Hope didn’t understand magic and how Lyall was able to step through their fireplace in Wales and get to his place of work in London only seconds later. She didn’t understand her husband’s job, which had something to do with the regulation of dangerous beasts. The more she asked questions the more confused and fearful she became. Lyall was always so patient with her, taking his time to calm her down and patiently explain his strange world to her time and time again. She could never understand, perhaps she simply didn’t wish to. Lyall’s tendency to teach everyone around him in his own kind manner was one of the many reasons she loved the so man dearly. But was also one of the reasons for a dark resentment towards the world he was a part of that had taken root on Lyall’s eleventh birthday nearly a decade before. Despite all this, Hope was a caring and kind wife and found joy within the four walls of their cottage on the land she’d always loved.

Lyall and Hope both desperately wanted a child. Not long after their marriage Hope began experiencing extreme abdominal pains and discomfort with excessive bleeding that often made having sex extremely uncomfortable. She hid it to the best of her ability from Lyall and they rarely spoke of it. For when they did it usually ended in an argument, Lyall wanting to take her to see a doctor in London and Hope firmly refusing. She had never left Wales and insisting that it was normal and part of being a woman. The Lupins became acquainted with hiding their pain early on. A skill that would come to be surprisingly useful.

Over three years after their wedding Hope became pregnant. For the first time she allowed Lyall to take her to a doctor in London for regular checkups. She dealt with the unfamiliar city, orange pill bottles, and long words she couldn’t understand. Telling herself over and over that it was for her unborn child.

Late at night on March 9th, 1960 Hope Lupin’s water broke. She was rushed to the hospital. Their son, Remus Lupin, was born at exactly midnight on March 10th, 1960. Hope barley survived the birth and was told she would never be able to have another child. She had to stay in the hospital alone for the first week of her first and only child’s life, having insisted that Lyall take her infant son to the nursery she’d spent months preparing in their small cottage on the moor.

The one person that made that week bearable was a kind nurse. His name was Sam Evans, his hair was a bright red and he spoke with a kind voice. He took the time to explain all the unfamiliar things people were doing with her body to her and kept her company during the day. He would tell her stories of his newborn daughter Lily as well as their ten-year-old daughter Petunia. He would read her fairy tales to take her mind off her only child who she had yet to hold. Lyall came by to pick up the breastmilk she insisted he feed baby Remus. She only glimpsed the two of them for a few seconds before he would at her insistence, the hospital being no place to keep a newborn baby. As the years went on her and Lyall would have dinner with the Evans’, bringing Remus along to play with Lily and her older sister Petunia.

When Hope finally made it home she swore to herself that she would always be there for her son, in all the ways she hadn’t been able to in his first week of life. After that it was rare to see the two apart. Hope spent all her time with her child, maintaining their small cottage and taking him to explore the moor. Lyall began to spend more and more time at work and would mumble something about werewolves in his sleep. Her illness and Lyall’s absence were largely ignored by the two as neither of them could bare the idea of their being any sort of conflict between them.

And so, our tale brings us to March 10th, 1966. It was Remus’ sixth birthday and all he wanted was to visit the ocean. The small family packed themselves into Hope’s small car she used when picking things up from the nearest down and headed to the beach.

Walburga and Orion Black’s story was decidedly less romantic than the Lupin’s. They were second cousins. Their betrothal had been finalized on Walburga’s sixth birthday. The document their parents signed ensured that the two would wed as soon as Orion (four years Walburga’s junior) graduated Hogwarts.

Walburga was raised with one purpose, to produce the next heir to The Noble and Most Ancient House of Black. That meant she was to appease her husband in every way and always bow to his hand. From a young age she was shoved into the mold of a perfect pureblood wife. She learned how to maintain a house, memorized the Black family’s long a twisted history, and was taught to value blood purity and the continuation of the family line above all else. To Walburga’s recollection her sixth birthday was the tipping point, her life getting worse and worse after that day. After her birthday she was pushed into her studies with twice the vigor, the expectations placed on her were near impossible, and all remains of her childhood here stolen. If she dared step out of line, her parents would use the cruciatus curse on her. She learned how to be perfect quickly. Something her mother would boast about for years after.

Walburga was Irma Crabbe Black and Pollux Black’s eldest child, having two younger brothers by the names of Alphard and Cygnus. They were avid participants in ancient and dark magic (the cruciatus curse being tame in comparison to many of the other rituals and spells they performed), especially Irma. As the years passed on, they sacrifice more and more of themselves in exchange for the dark rituals. Many of which called upon the ancient elements that had shaped magic itself. Magic that deep and powerful was anything but free.

Orion Black was raised with one purpose, to be the head of The Noble and Most Ancient House of Black. He was heir to the title as he only had one older sister by the name of Lucretia (she later married into the Prewett family). His father was Arcturus Black III and his mother Melania Macmillan Black. His first years of his life were the best, though they were far from happy. Starting at the age of six his father began tutoring him. Teaching young Orion everything there was to know about The Noble and Most Ancient House of Black. He was punished physically for any mistakes he dared to make.

Over the years Orion turned to stone. Any signs of joy or life seeped from his mind, replaced with an icy cruelty that filled him both inside and out. The day he married Walburga was the day he finally escaped his father’s clutches. Shortly thereafter his father fell ill and died of poisoning from an unidentifiable potion and he became the head of the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black.

By their wedding day Walburga was a hardened and cruel witch, with an unhinged madness that would grow over the years. Orion was an icy statue. He saw his bride to be as a mere tool in his game to control as much as possible so no one would ever be able to hurt him again. The wedding was spectacular. The Black family’s fortune was shown in every decoration. It was lavish and beautiful. Neither Walburga nor Orion saw that though. After the wedding Orion threw out everything that had been involved, locking the more important things (like Walburga’s dress and photos from the wedding) deep inside number twelve Grimmuald Place in a room only he could access. They were never seen again.

The following five years were anything but happy. Orion and Walburga only talked when necessary. They even slept in two separate rooms and having sex once a month when Walburga was most likely to become pregnant. Orion was a cruel husband, hitting Walburga for the slightest mistake and became a dictator worse than her own parents had been. He would punish her for her struggle to get pregnant, using curses that spread invisible pain throughout her entire body. The curses left no physical traces, as he would not risk her miscarrying a child due to his abuse.

Finally, at midnight on November 3rd, 1959 Walburga successfully gave birth to her first son Sirius Orion Black, the heir to The Noble and Most Ancient House of Black. Sirius’ training was to officially begin at the age of six but even in the years before that he was privately tutored and held to the highest standards possible by his mother. She punished him often, borrowing spells from both Orion and her own parents. As a young child Sirius did not break as both Walburga and Orion had. His biggest flaw being his kindness. He was punished for hugging his younger brother Regulus (Orion having insisted on Walburga producing a spare). He had thanked the old house elf Kreacher until he was five years old despite repeated punishments. Walburga making him watch as she tortured Kreacher was the only way to get him to stop. From a young age he was passionate and full of life and love. He was punished often for it. But he grew older, he learned to hide his distasteful qualities. Even so he always slipped up eventually.

Sirius Orion Black was a deep contrast of his stoic parents. He was a beautiful child with wide grey eyes, silky black curls, a beautiful laugh, and bright smile. His parents in contrast were drawn and stoic. His mother was ice cold with indifference, only breaking the façade when punishing one of her children. Then she would often laugh wildly and grin, a lunacy twinkling in her eye as she watched another human suffer in the same ways she had over and over again. Orion was icy and cruel. To an outside observer he only had one facial expression, but his family quickly learned to read the small movements of his face as well as his shifts in body language and tone for fear of suffering his wrath. Regulus, Sirius, and Walburga quickly becoming experts on his daily moods and body language, learning to read him in an effort to survive the impossibly cruel man. Walburga’s punishments were always physical, often having to do with pain. Orion almost never directly punished his children instead using manipulation and cruelty to make there lives a living hell if they dared cross him.

At the age of five Sirius brought a bird with a broken wing into the house. Orion caught him performing accidental magic to heal the bird and as punishment he made Sirius kill the bird. Telling Sirius that if he had left the bird alone it might still be alive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave a comment I would love any feedback anyone has.  
> If you caught a typo PLEASE leave a comment I don't have a beta reader and usually use a second or third draft as my final draft.


	2. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning  
> Blood

On March 10th, 1966 Sirius and Regulus Black were staying with Walburga’s brother for the night while their parents attended to important family business. Their Aunt Druella and Uncle Cygnus were laxer than Orion and Walburga Sirius and Regulus got to spend the day playing with their cousin Narcissa, as both Bellatrix and Andromeda were at school. By the time night fell they were all exhausted. Sirius fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

Six-year-old Remus John Lupin stepped out of his Mum’s blue car practically dancing with excitement. His amber eyes shining with wonder as he stared at everything around him, it all seemed so new and exciting.  
“Mummy look at the white birds!” He exclaimed; eyes wide with wonder.  
“They’re called Seagulls,” Lyall replied as he helped Hope to gather their things from the trunk of the car.  
“Daddy, where does the ocean end?” Remus asked looking thoughtfully up at his father. Before Lyall had the chance to respond Hope interrupted,  
“-come along now Remus, stay close,” taking his hand as Lyall lead the family down to the sandy beach, “Now Remus I know you want to explore but you must stay where you can see myself or Dad, do you understand?”  
“Yes Mummy,” Remus said eager to please as he recognized her agitated expression. Leaving his parents to unpack their picnic Remus walked down to the ocean, stopping in the middle of the wet sand. He closed his eyes as he felt the tide rush in around his feet and pull back taking some of the wet sand beneath his feet with in. He giggled at the odd sensation and waited for the next wave to come in. Remus stood there with an expression of peace settled on his small features until Hope called him to put sunscreen on.  
Remus spent the morning inspecting the sand for small creatures with Lyall helping him identify each one. Hope insisted he leave on his small worn cardigan as there was still a cold bite in the air and mist and clouds filled the air. Remus was perfectly content with this of course, never having been to the beach he didn’t mind it being a bit dreary. Hope spent the morning quietly enjoying the book of fairy tales Sam Evans had given her nearly six years ago, silently watching her husband and son inspect the sand.  
Around noon Hope called out for Lyall and Remus to come eat lunch. She spread put a small spread of meats and cheeses with crackers as well as various fruits and vegetables. The family dug in hungrily. For dessert Hope brought out the chocolate cake she’d made specially for the occasion and even allowed Remus two pieces.  
The rest of the day passed quickly enough, Remus made sandcastles with Hope As the sun began to set the wind shifted, clouds clearing and mist disappearing, none of the Lupins noticed.  
By seven o’clock Remus was walking along the shoreline searching for shells to bring back to his Mummy, pockets already filled with various shells, he continued his search wandering down the shoreline. Night had settled in and the full moon hung bright over the open ocean. Mummy and Daddy were back at the picnic blanket (some three yards away from the spot Remus was currently inspecting for shells) talking in tensed voices that told Remus they were arguing about something.  
Remus picked up a small perfectly spherical white stone that glimmered prettily in the moonlight. Clutching the stone in his tiny fist, he turned suddenly when he heard a growling sound and smelled something resembling wet dog (like the Evans’ dog after he’d jumped in a pond to fetch a stick Lily had thrown a little to far). As he moved the giant wolf behind him lunged forward. It bit his left hip sinking its jaws into his soft skin. Remus was finally able to make eye contact with his attacker as it pulled back from his small body. Soft amber eyes meet cruel bright yellow ones. Then the pain hit him, he screamed.

Lyall heard the scream first, racing to his son and seeing his body a mangled bloody mess he whipped out his wand to face the attacker. He recognized the werewolf’s eyes immediately, Fenrir Greyback stood grinning, fangs red with his son’s blood. A strangled sob fell out of Lyall’s mouth as he cast a stunning spell at the beast, this of course had no effect on the transformed Greyback as transformed werewolves are immune to most magic, which Lyall knew. Greyback let out a howl that sounded suspiciously like a laugh, turned, and raced off into the night. Leaving the family behind.  
Hope heard the scream and took three seconds to register what was happening, that the scream piercing the peaceful beach was her six-year-old son’s and that her husband was currently running towards him with a wand. Immediately she knew this had something to do with her husband’s strange magical world, bile rising in her throat, she ran on shaking legs towards her fallen son. She fell by his side and pulled her screaming child to her chest. She held a shaking Remus close, one of her hands desperately trying to stop the bleeding coming from his left side, God there was so much blood. His tiny body trembled with pain. She could hear herself murmuring sweet nothings to her son, trying to convince them both that everything would be okay, but her voice was distorted as if it came from the end of a long tunnel. The world swam around her only the six-year old’s face, twisted in anguish, being focused. Soon Lyall was by her side, sobbing as wrapped his arms around his wife and son. Hope felt as though she was being forced through a small straw for a fraction of a second and then with a pop, she was on the kitchen floor of their small cottage. She stood up running to place her sobbing son on her and Lyall’s bed.

“Mummy it hurts, Mummy help help. Make it stop!” Remus screamed. His mind registering nothing but PAIN PAIN PAIN. He struggled to understand anything outside of the white-hot pain tearing him to shreds. Eventually he was able to recognize the smell of his home and Mummy. Somehow, they were home.  
What felt like hours later, but was really a few seconds, he felt his Mummy’s hands quickly rip off his clothing, the scent of coppery blood pressing against him. He screamed and arched off the bed as Mummy removed the fabric from over the bite on his hip. He felt a hum begin in his body. Magic seeped into his veins, he somehow knew it was his Daddy, and slowly the coppery smell disappeared. The physical pain released it’s vice grip on him, and he became aware of his surroundings. He was on his parents’ bed, his mother sitting behind him worn hands holding him still, tears damping his head as she buried her face in his sandy curls. His father sat across from him, purple bruises under his eyes and drenched in sweat he lowered his wand with a shaking hand. As he slipped back into his own body, Remus quickly noticed something off.  
Daddy was turned away from him, refusing to meet his eyes, lips drawn tight, staring at his feet. Then it hit him, his Daddy hated him. He had messed something up, everything was his fault. He began to hyperventilate taking shallow quick breaths, Mummy attempting to calm his panicking mind. But all he could feel was Daddy’s hatred as it radiated off him.  
It was all his fault

It was seven o’clock at night on March 10th, 1966. Sirius Orion Black sat up in the bed he was sharing with his younger brother Remus pulling in a deep shuddering breath. For a second all he could feel was PAIN PAIN PAIN but as quickly as it came it stopped, leaving him with a slight burning sensation on his left hip.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not sure how I feel about this chapter... let me know what you think. I know so far it has been a lot of set up and not much of the actual story, sorry.


	3. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning  
> THIS IS A REALLY HEAVY CHAPTER please proceed with caution  
> Explicit child sexual abuse  
> Child Abuse  
> Explicit Self Harm  
> Transphobia   
> Homophobia

Sirius Black was happy.  
He’d awoken to the sunrise visible through the large windows in the nursery of Aunt Druella and Uncle Cygnus’ manor. Grimmuald Place was dingy and dark, with the few windows covered by heavy black curtains. After nearly a dozen suicides in the last five generations alone The Noble and Most Ancient House of Black was beginning to lose their money and reputation, fast. Many of their properties had either been seized by the ministry for various reasons or claimed by Gringotts due to some outstanding debt. This had led the head of the house, Orion Black, and his family to live in a dingy townhome in muggle London with no property. Orion had been slowly rebuilding his family’s fortune, winning a few properties back by suing for lack of due process, Walburga however had become deeply attached to the place and its house elf. She had been losing it as of late and Orion had decided it was best to let her stay in a place where she was happy as they currently could not afford another family freak. Cygnus and Druella had escaped all this finical hardship due to Druella’s dowry including a large property (on which they now lived) and a great sum of money.  
Sirius watched through the windows as deep purples, dark reds, and burning reds streamed through the window. The colors surrounded him. As he moved from the bed he was sharing with four year old Regulus he smiled at his cousin and brother’s peaceful faces. He was used to be awoken by his mother’s shrill, sharp voice laced with heavy disappointment. This seemed otherworldly.  
Sirius was drawn to the window putting his hands up against the glass, he quietly noted that the reds in the sky looked like blood. He remembered his father’s lectures about the importance of blood purity. He was a pure blood, supposedly the highest achievable status in the wizarding world. He’d concluded earlier that year that if everyone around him was so unhappy despite having the best life available, the world must be a truly miserable place. He wasn’t exactly sure what this meant yet, but it was deeply disturbed.  
“Sirius?” He heard the soft call of Narcissa’s voice and turned to see her giving him an odd look.  
“Yes Cissy?”  
“What’re you doing awake so early?” She said still looking perplexed.  
“Watching the sky bleed,” was his immediate answer. He turned back to find that the reds had softened into oranges, “it has stopped, for now.”  
Sirius made his way back to his bed and promptly fell back asleep.  
Narcissa did not.

“We’re attending a luncheon with Lady Malfoy and a few others this afternoon, Walburga will be there and take you home afterwards,” Aunt Druella explained at breakfast as she began buttering her toast.  
The children all nodded and continued to eat in silence as the adults politely discussed the daily itinerary.  
Once breakfast was over the children were able to do as they pleased for a few hours, choosing to spend it running around outside.  
Promptly at eleven a house elf appeared announcing it was time to get ready for the luncheon.

Sirius was staring curiously at Narcissa as she shifted through her many hanging gowns looking for one appropriate for the occasion. She chose a light blue gown that matched her eyes. She left to a private side room to change and Sirius darted to her closet, staring at a lovely green gown with a full skirt and beautiful capped sleeves. He was unexpectedly filled with a longing to try it on. Looking both ways to be sure the house elf and Regulus were both occupied he darted forward grasping the fine silk and pulling it from its hanger. He quickly hid it in between the suit coat and pants he was already holding, rushing into another side room to get changed.  
As Sirius locked the door and put his things down, he stared at the green dress unable to pull his eyes away. He began to remove his play clothes and slipped the dress on before he lost his nerve. Once it was on, he spun to face the mirror, admiring the flaring of the skirt as he did.  
The dress must’ve been an older one of Narcissa’s because it fit him well. The skirt hit the floor and the fabric draped over his frame beautifully. With is longer glossy black waves he could almost imagine he was a...  
“What are you doing!” A loud voice growled from the door that Sirius hadn’t even heard unlock or open. He flushed and spun to see his uncle’s nearly purple face staring at him like he was a disgusting rodent not a small boy. Sirius felt tears begin sliding down his face as he realized how wrong his actions were. He’d known they weren’t exactly normal, but he certainly didn’t expect this reaction.  
“Well don’t cry about it,” his uncle sneered, stepping forward to black hand Sirius sharply across the face. Sirius was used to being hit, his mother did it often but something about the look in his Uncle’s eyes scared him.  
“I-I’m sorry,” Sirius sobbed as his blood ran cold.  
His uncle stepped forward and ripped the beautiful gown from his body, leaving him in nothing but his small boxers. Sirius flushed red and tried to cover himself.  
“You are a man, Sirius. The heir no less,” his uncle snarled meanly. Before Sirius fully registered what was happening his Uncle had pushed his arms away and shoved Sirius’ boxers down and harshly grabbed his small penis, squeezing it enough that Sirius cried out, tears already running down his cheeks  
“You see this Sirius! You are a boy. Stop acting like some girl, some fag,” he hissed sticking a figure from the hand that wasn’t grabbing his genitals up Sirius’s anus as he said the last word.  
Sirius began sobbing harder at the intrusion, his entire body shaking. Sirius didn’t understand anything, but a feeling of wrongness was suffocating him. As abruptly as he’d entered and grabbed Sirius his hands let go of his genitals and left his anus  
“You disgust me,” his uncle said pushing him to the ground, “crucio!” He screamed rather manically.  
Sirius barley felt the physical pain searing through every nerve in his body having already retreated from the situation. He huddled in the back of his mind trying to hide from everything that was happening.   
“You will not be going to the luncheon. I’m going to tell your aunt, don’t move,” his uncle sneered.  
Sirius curled his naked body into a small ball awaiting the return of his uncle.  
Sometime later, Sirius couldn’t even process how long it’d been, his uncle returned.  
“Now Sirius if you do me a favor, I can promise this will be our little secret, I’ll simply tell everyone you accidentally broke a vase and no one but us will know how much of a freak you really are. Would you like that?” His uncle asked in a sickly-sweet voice.  
Sirius felt hope flutter in his chest.  
“Yes, yes, please I’ll do anything,” Sirius replied eagerly.  
His uncle groaned oddly and ran a finger down Sirius’s face. Sirius watched wide eyed as his uncle unzipped his trousers and pulled out his large, erect penis. Not really understanding what it was Sirius simply stared.  
“Ohh yess, I can tell you like this. You’ll have to prove to me how obedient you can be so we can be sure you won’t act like a freak anymore,” his uncle said, voice oddly breathy.  
“Now come on, touch it. Like this,” his uncle guided Sirius’s small hand to the penis and began showing him how to stroke it. After a few minutes of this his uncle released another sigh and Sirius found himself covered in a sticky white substance. A musky scent now filled the room. Sirius wasn’t aware that he was crying until that moment, silent tears streaked his face. A pain had settled deep inside him and Sirius felt suffocated with it.  
His uncle stepped away and buttoned his trousers back up, quickly mumbling several cleaning charms on himself and Sirius.  
“Get up, Orion will be here soon” his uncle said to the small child as he left the room.

That night back at Grimmuald place Sirius sat in the bathroom unable to think about anything other than the fact that he was a disgusting freak.  
Walburga had been delighted when her son had returned to her, the warmed in his eyes gone and his demeanor quiet and obedient. Even so she’d lashed his back bloody herself after being told of a supposed broken vase.  
Sirius was clutching a small pocketknife in his hand; his father had given it to him his last birthday. Knowing he had been much worse than his mother knew he’d decided to punish himself more. He drew the knife across his thin white thigh gasping as the warm blood began to pool at the surface of his skin. He did it again, this time a bit deeper, delighting in the sharp metallic sting.  
Soon his thighs were covered in blood, dried blood coated his small hands and knife. But he felt better than he had since that being caught in the dress. He felt amazing, so alive. He sat there, blood dripping onto the tile, a large grin spread across his face. He felt so good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do something nice for yourself. Please take care of yourselves. That was dark. We've just got a few super dark chapters before things start getting better. As always I appreciate any feedback you have. I'm American, in case you can't tell, so if someone who knows anything about Great Britain and has corrections for me I'm eager to hear them.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning  
> anxiety/panic

The moon would rise full tonight and Remus had been hot with fever all day. He lay sweating in his bed gripping his stuffed elephant. While he’d been reading picture books most of the day, his parents had been fighting in the other room. He could tell from the way they moved and whispered furiously to one another. The tension in the cottage was at an all-time high.

“Remus it’s time, let’s go,” his daddy said his voice was sterile, mechanical. The same monotone it’d been for nearly a month now, “you’ll have to leave all your things, even your clothes here. They’ll get ripped to shreds if you leave them on.”

Oddly enough Remus wasn’t scared. He knew he could die; he could tell from the way his daddy talked about werewolves that he would turn into a monster tonight and may not make it out alive. But he felt sure his daddy would do what was necessary to protect himself and Remus’ mommy. What happened to Remus was inconsequential. If his parents, the only two people he’d ever truly cared for, were safe Remus was satisfied. Remus was a monster now, better off dead. He’d been sitting in bed late at night for weeks now, wondering what death would feel like. Wondering if the pain in his chest that had started the night he was bitten would go away. If death couldn’t rid him of the pain, he didn’t think anything could. Death was his best bet, he wasn’t scared. Death was a welcome end.

Once Remus was naked his daddy scooped him up into his arms. Something he still felt comforting even if he knew his daddy hated him. He could hear his mommy’s sobs from the small couch tucked in the main room in the cottage. Remus became very confused as his daddy carried him out the front door into the cool April dusk. He’d never considered the specifics of the transformation. Would his daddy leave him alone? He didn’t want to die alone.

“Daddy, what’s happening,” he asked, beginning to panic. His daddy said nothing as Remus’s eyes filled with panicked tears. They finally made it to a newly erected shade some twenty yards from the Lupin cottage. His daddy fumbled with the silver chains holding the door shut. Once the door was open, he put Remus on the cold dirt floor. Stepping back to the doorway quickly daddy withdrew.

“I’m standing guard outside, I’ll get you out when it’s over,” he said in a clipped tone. His daddy turned and walked out of the shed shutting the door behind him. Remus sat in the dark and began to cry. The confusion and panic overcame the earlier sense of calm. He just wanted to know what was happening.

“Daddy I’m sorry- I-I didn’t mean to. I’m sorry. Remus bad. Remus sorry. Daddy please,” Remus began screaming through his sobs. He was rocking back and worth, curled on the dirt floor, brain barely thinking as the panic overwhelmed his small body.

Lyall Lupin stood on the other side of the shed door, gripping his wand and trying to remind himself his son had been killed. He had no son, the thing in the shed was a blood thirsty beast. But the small part of his brain that, the part that wasn’t terrified for what it meant for his young son if he was a werewolf, could feel something breaking in Remus. Remus had always been sweet docile child. Hardly ever crying or getting upset, his only flaw being his endless curiosity which often got him into trouble.

But Lyall had not son.

When the sun began to rise Lyall heard the dog-like whining turn to very human shrieks that he knew belonged to his child, his only child. He’d spent the whole night outside the door holding a hunting rifle in his hands, (it would’ve been a wand but Hope had made him put his in a box on the mantle threatening to leave him if he didn’t stop with the “magician rubbish”. He’d agreed for fear of the ministry discovering Remus’ werewolf status and being terrified of Hope leaving him) but as the night wore on, he realized the wolf wasn’t going to escape. Instead he heard it shrieking inhumanly as it attacked itself. It’d been the worst night of his life. Guilt had filled him as he realized how horrible he’d been to his son. Remus wasn’t a monster but after this he probably thought he was. 

When sun fully rose and Lyall was able to unlock the shed carrying a blanket to wrap the bloodied, half conscious Remus in.

“Shh Remus, I’ve got you. You’re safe. I love you and I’m so so sorry,” his voice cracked. As he held the small body close to his chest. He made the promise to himself that he’d spend the rest of his life trying to make up for his mistakes that’d lead to his six year old son being both a werewolf and convinced his own dad hated him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little happier?


End file.
